Why Home Alone 2 is the Greatest Christmas Movie of All Time
Merry Christmas, ya filthy animal.
Home Alone 2 is the greatest Christmas movie of all time.
Let me explain.
First, I would like to be clear about something.
The original Home Alone, while a seminal work, does not hold a candle to Home Alone 2. This is proven within the first 20 minutes of Home Alone 2, when Buzz ruins Kevin’s solo at the Christmas Pageant by using two electric candles as drumsticks and Kevin’s head as the drum. In the original Home Alone, Buzz does not hold any candles.
Following Home Alone 2, the franchise careened off Mount Crumpit, as Macaulay Caulkin took a break from acting and they tried to trick us with something called an “Alex D. Linz” in Home Alone 3. We will not speak of Home Alone 4: Taking Back the House.
Clearly, Home Alone 2 is the best of the franchise.
But we are here to prove Home Alone 2 is the best Christmas movie of all time.
Per IMDB, here are the Top 10 Christmas movies. I will rebut each as we go.
It’s a Wonderful Life
This movie was made in 1946. If you would have shown someone from 1946 one single explosion in iMax, they would have forgotten all about old George Bailey. The best Christmas movie is not from 1946.
Home Alone
See above.
Die Hard
If there’s an argument over whether or not you’re a Christmas movie, you’re not the best Christmas movie.
A Christmas Carol
The Muppets made a better version of your movie.
Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer
If your name was “Rudolph” and you worked with guys named “Comet,” “Dasher,” and “Blitzen,” they would’ve mocked you for your name first, and your red nose second. Unrealistic movie.
A Christmas Story
This is actually the second-best Christmas movie of all time, because they managed to warm your heart despite having a character named “Scut Farkus.”
Elf
The child in this film wears a beanie with a brim. Next.
National Lampoon’s Christmas Vacation
Clark Griswold wanted to pay for a pool. Kevin McAllister’s dad flew the entire family to Florida and France. Bonne chance.
Miracle on 34th Street
Made in 1947. We don’t have to pretend these movies are good, guys. Transformers 2 is better than every single movie made pre-1980.
Gremlins
Hell yeah.
As I have just proven, Home Alone 2 is better than these movies.
5 reasons why Home Alone 2 is the best Christmas movie of all time
Now that we have eliminated the contenders, I will make my case for Home Alone 2:
Kevin’s mastery of New York real estate
Today’s 18-year-olds can’t even pick up the phone to call a hotel and book a room. Kevin secured a suite at the Plaza Hotel at 10.
Marv gets hit in the face with multiple bricks
I’m not sure why you think I need to explain the value in this.
The “Sticky Bandits” rebrand
In Home Alone 1, they were the Wet Bandits. This rebrand teaches young children an important lesson in the value of conviction.
Donald Trump’s cameo
When you’re watching this with your kids/grandkids in 10 years, you’ll be able to say “That guy became president.” No scene in movie history will age more ridiculously.
The Pigeon Lady reminds us of the spirit of Christmas
Look beyond appearances to find who people really are. And if they happen to weaponize birds, befriend them.
For those reasons — and so many more — Home Alone 2 is a landslide winner as the greatest Christmas movie of all time.
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