The most important relationship you'll ever have

How Crime and Punishment can help you find yourself

Today, we’re talking about a 157-year-old murder …

And why it matters for the most important relationship you’ll ever have. 

In Fyodor Dostoevsky’s “Crime and Punishment,” the main character, Raskolnikov, murders a pawnbroker. (Don’t you dare say “spoiler alert” — it’s been more than a century.)

After the murder, Raskolnikov’s brain wages a war against itself.

He tries to justify the murder. He’s tormented by guilt. He suffers. He questions his life, his purpose, his beliefs.

As he drifts toward insanity, his life crumbles.

Toward the end of the book, a suspicious investigator questions Raskolnikov, probing at his conscience and needling at his guilt:

“Your worst sin is that you have destroyed yourself and betrayed yourself for nothing.”

Yeah, Raskolnikov. Us too.

From the second we’re born, we’re placed into a maddening Catch-22.

Belonging is a fundamental human need. All the behaviors we learn from childhood — communication skills, emotional expressions, social interactions — are centered around the necessity of having a tribe.

Throughout life, we’re encouraged to be ourselves and to celebrate what makes us different. But when it comes to finding our communities, the easiest way to belong is by conforming …

Which often means killing what makes us different.

Studies suggest you’re a composite of the 5 people you spend the most time around. But throughout your life, the 5 people you spend the most time around changes — often.

It’s a little cold, but most non-family relationships are a product of time, location and circumstance. And those factors flip with the calendar.

Your most important relationship is — and always will be — the one you have with yourself.

But when we shave off slivers of ourselves to fit in, we harm that relationship.

And even though our circumstances aren’t as severe as Raskolnikov’s, the outcome is often the same.

We destroy ourselves. And we betray ourselves. And for what?

Now, most of us are good judges of character. We surround ourselves with people that will make us better — people we’d be happy to be a little more like.

But every time we erase our individuality for the sake of belonging, we create inner turmoil and self-doubt and confusion about who we are …

And we kill our potential because we kill the traits that created our potential in the first place.

Putting your relationship with yourself first isn’t selfish. In fact, it’s selfish not to. To be the best you can be — for yourself, for your family, for your friends — your relationship with yourself has to be rooted in concrete.

So nurture it. Take your time with it. Treat it like a real relationship.

It’s easy to change to fit in. It’s hard to know who you are, be who you are and display who you are. 

Don’t destroy yourself. Don’t betray yourself. Appreciate yourself and stay true to yourself.

You’re the most important relationship you’ll ever have — and you’ll have it every second of every day for the rest of your life.