Is there a right way to judge people?

No one makes the wrong decision on purpose.

At the height of the Civil War, Mary Todd Lincoln shared some harsh words about Southerners with her husband.

Lincoln’s response? 

“Don’t criticize them. They are just what we would be under similar circumstances.”

Here’s the straight shot: Understanding other people is hard.

But as humans, we have a pull to understand others. We want to connect and belong, and the first step to that is understanding and being understood.

But understanding someone you don’t know can be maddening.

Think about it. Anthropologists estimate roughly 117 billion people have ever lived. That makes you about 0.000000000009% of humanity. But despite your life being insignificant on the cosmic scale, it’s all you’ve ever known. 

Another way to look at it: About 80% of how you see the world is based on your own experiences. But your own experiences make up about 0.000000000009% of the world’s history.

See why it’s so hard to understand others?  

Your experiences are unique. No one else has gone through them. You are exceedingly more rare than one in a million — you are one in 117 billion — and the lens through which you process and evaluate life is 100% your own.

Most people (especially strangers) have such a unique collage of experiences that the lenses through which they view life would make everything blurry if you tried them on.

Your opinions on work, on family, on love, on money, on religion are uniquely your own. No one else shares them 100% because no one else has shared your experiences.

One idea that’s always helped me is the thought that we judge other people based on outcomes, but we judge ourselves based on intentions.

When someone cuts us off in traffic, they’re a terrible, dangerous driver. But when we do it, we had a lot on our mind. And besides, no one got hurt. 

When someone buys a lottery ticket, they’re horrible with money. But when we do it, it’s fun to dream for a day. 

When we see someone who doesn’t stay in shape, it’s because they’re lazy. But when we avoid exercise, it’s because we chose to prioritize other areas of our lives. 

Remember this: No one is crazy.

People don’t intentionally make bad decisions. Rather, everyone rationalizes every decision they make. But since we can’t see the decision-making process, we’re left to judge based on outcomes.

And we often assume the worst. 

Instead of assuming, remember what Lincoln said.

Remember that more of life is up to circumstance than people realize. 

Remember that you are a product of your environment, your experiences and your intakes. 

Remember that if you had lived their life, you’d be doing the same thing.

Instead of judging on outcomes, understand that you can’t see the intent — and remember, “They are just what we would be under similar circumstances.”